I Don’t Care What Mom Says, Yes we have heard our kids saying this often, Here we are to discuss. Guidelines so that the relationship of your new love and your children is harmonious.
Currently, many women with children are given the opportunity to return to have a partner, to rebuild their emotional life after a separation or widowhood. They are motivated, happy, by this new love. However, as stated by the specialist psychologist in intervention with families, Constanza , the feelings of these women mothers can be mixed with a little uncertainty about how to get their children to accept to that boyfriend who has come into their lives.
When to give yourself that new opportunity?
After how long of dating is it appropriate to present the groom to his children? What mistakes to avoid before and after the first encounter? What attitudes to assume in front of the children? With the help of psychologist Constanza Flórez Dávila and her colleagues Gloria, Petty de and Ana Villegas, El offers some guidelines to those moms who are happy today, premiering a boyfriend. When ready: A new relationship Do not quickly point to a new relationship to get out of another or not to take on issues such as finances or raising children alone. Measure yourself into a new love when you feel that you have already overcome the grief of separation: that the situation has been forgiven, that your heart be healed to make it easier for your children to have closed or healed the absence of the biological father. Do not be afraid to rebuild your emotional life because you feel that you will steal time and attention from your children. You have the right to your space.
It is necessary to give the adequate pause, that usually, minimum, it should be a year or two before getting involved in a second relationship as long as the mourning of the previous loss is processed. When to bring them closer: Step by step The most advisable thing is that you do not connect your boyfriend with the children before six months of age. courtship, because it is at this time that you are just getting to know your new love; he is in the phase of falling in love, of chemistry, attraction, in which he does not have the capacity to discern whether that person is suitable or not. When you are sure that you have a mature, stable relationship, in which there is tolerance and respect on the part of your partner, who understands and accepts your role as a mother, you can prepare your children, telling them that there is someone who loves you, that makes her happy and to introduce her boyfriend little by little to the family, first as a friend, to learn to know their children, to play with them, to build trust.
Boyfriend yes, dad no: To speak clearly Even if the children are small, they are very pilos and will start asking questions: do you have a boyfriend? When are we going to meet him? If you are already a boyfriend, tell him, yes, we are boyfriends. Or, we will share with him when he considers it convenient. The information must be clear. Do not make the mistake of telling the child to say dad to his new partner, it is not good because that is not his father, nobody replaces the role of another, and second, it is not known how long the relationship will last. that the mother allows her boyfriend to interfere in family situations that must be resolved by her especially in the first months of the relationship and until a family commitment has been built and perhaps formalized.
To be authentic: No to the naughty boyfriend The boyfriend must be authentic from the beginning, not be flattering or give expensive gifts just to earn points to the bride. This could also be interpreted as buying affection. What you should share are spaces with your partner’s children. If you are going to have lunch on the outside, keep in mind that they have a place of leisure, of play; if they are playing, ask them about the game, show them interest in what they do. It’s asking the child what you want to eat, instead of coming up with a giant ice cream that he does not even want. It is important to take this into account.
It is not advisable for the boyfriend to assume the attitudes of a father, a scolding or authoritarian when he is not authorized or in order to show that he could be a good father to her children.Celos, tantrums and fears: Know how to handle situations It is normal for children to become jealous of having to share their mom with a new person and make a tantrum, be aggressive, distant or rebellious when she goes out with the boyfriend, they even show symptoms of illness like pains physical or vomit. Nobody knows more about her son than the mother and she will value how intentional these expressions are and will handle them as she would in any other context, like when he does not want to go to grandma’s house: ??? you stay, I do I go??. But keep in mind that many of those expressions are a request for attention, for love. If the mother is present, it is clear and she explains to the child that she will never stop loving him or abandon him, because those are her fears; that this new person makes her happy and that she has her own world and needs her spaces, so, he will end up understanding the situation because a son always wants the best for his mother and to see her happy.
To prevent mistakes ??
Do not give information to young children who have not asked, as well as surprise their children with something they are not prepared for: how to see their mother kissing a man they barely know. ?? You will confuse your children if you bring a new boyfriend home every three months. ?? Keep defined roles in front of your child. Many times the little ones become the “substitute spouse” ?? of the separated or the widow: they sleep in the same bed with the mother, they control their exits, they spy them, they do not want anyone to approach her emotionally, that is why it is difficult for them to accept the new couple. ?? Do not ask them questions like, would you accept that I have a boyfriend? or phrases like ??? if you allow me I would have a boyfriend ?. When you do that, you do not have the authority role with the child. You do not have to ask your child for permission about your adult life. ?? Take care that your new partner does not intend to replace the father of your child. And you do not devalue the child’s parent or compare it with his boyfriend in front of the boy with phrases like “this one does what it promises”, does it have time ??? Be alert with that boyfriend who does not tolerate you prioritizing your child’s attention over a rumba or an outing with him. ?? If the decision to invite the groom to stay overnight at home rushes, the children may feel invaded their family space and react negatively. Make that invitation when you have established a relationship of greater trust between them.
Advice attention Do not neglect your child’s attention, do not miss too much by focusing on your boyfriend. Neither send him to live where the grandmother for you to surrender to his idyll. He will feel displaced. Patience Do not become aggressive before a questioning or reproach of the child, this does not help. Arm yourself with patience. And when the child’s jealousy is exaggerated, you notice that a good time passes and does not give up, seek therapeutic help. Now I am happy. My marriage was 22 years of struggle, of infidelities on his part. I kept fighting for my home until I started a single life with my two children. After three years of separation, I met up with a friend who had also divorced because of his wife’s infidelity. We restart a relationship of friends with visits, going to theaters, to dinner. My son, 16, often asked him what his intentions were with me. One day, we decided to give ourselves an opportunity and since then, my children, he and I are happy. After my children, my boyfriend has been the greatest gift that God has given me ?? Angela, a teacher of 47 years, mother of two children who today are 23 and 19 years old I married very much in love, of those loves as of novel, for that love I left my house, my family, my town and my studies, but when I arrived in this great city, unknown to me, that fairy tale collapsed. They were 22 years of struggles, irresponsibilities, infidelities on his part, lies, disrespect, extramarital daughters with different women, but I endured everything because I still loved him and fought for the home of my two children. From so many pleas to God and after finally listening to the advice of family and friends, I separated from my husband and started a life alone with my children. One day, my best friend of adolescence and I came back to meet thanks to Internet and helped me with their advice to overcome my separation crisis; we would talk later on cell phones, we would chat; until one day I did not know more about him.
I missed his silence, until on one occasion he called me and told me that his spouse had also been unfaithful and that he was going through difficult situations with his children, so this time I had to give him back some of his advice and so he started a Nice relationship of friends with visits, going to the movies, to dinner. Many months, I was introducing him to my home as a friend and little by little he was earning the love and respect of my eldest daughter and my son. As a curious thing, my son, then a teenager, often asked him: “What intentions do you have with my mom?” For me it was not difficult to tell my children about our relationship, since they agreed to restart my life and my boyfriend He was the ideal person. At present we are still dating and we are preparing to buy a house and everything we need to furnish it, but he fulfills the responsibilities of my home, he is very thoughtful with me and my children, they love him very much. Since he appeared in our lives my children and I are completely happy. He, after my children, has been the greatest gift that God has given me and of course, I am his guardian angel, As you affectionately call me ??? Gloria Ramírez ?? It is recommended not to enter into discussions, fights with the children, or that the mother does not become aggressive when asking for her space, but that she does it with a firm love, that is that loving affection , but of course, that at the same time sets the limits and removes the spaces that she herself needs? In those first outings you have to take care of the physical contact with the couple, the expressions of affection, because the presence of that other person is a situation that is just being accommodated in the children, so it is better to do it in a slower way . In those first encounters not to appear as the couple of the mother but as a person with whom they are going to share, to be generating that trust, to gain that space in the children and later to tell them that it is the new partner of the mother ?? .
There are women who have a relationship, they take her home immediately, they end that relationship, they get another one and they also take her home, the children get confused and do not really know what role those people play there, they get attached, they play , share and then do not see it again? Patricia Mejía de los Ríos Many men press women to present them to their children with economic issues: “I help you, I support you? or with other situations like? I go to the children’s school ?? and really those are not obligations of a new couple. The obligations to the children are the parents and if the parents are not, the woman would have to find an uncle or someone to help compensate the male figure, but not to involve a boyfriend when he is aware is knowing who he is. That is why it is said that before six months one should not involve the children with the new partner ?? One thing is a boyfriend without children and another with children.
The childless is often complacent, very dear, but does not have the level of experience of one who has been a father. If you have children, it is easier for you to understand the behaviors of your partner’s children, the changes. I have had well-meaning men who are educated: they attend parent schools, they read about the development process of children and adolescents and Do they become good traveling companions? When they are mine, yours, or reconstituted couples, you have to do a very big job in both people to look at that presentation of some children and others. When the relationship is consolidated it is important that they do family therapy, This helps the family to grow, to learn to reorganize emotionally in the new role of all members, it implies to believe emotionally and spiritually in everyone. Do you have to do individual work with each of the members? Ana Cristina Villegas That the child when he touches the weekend with his father understands that his mother will not be alone, because they suffer, they feel responsible for being the company of their mother. It is up to the mother to explain, you leave, but I will not be alone, I have a person who accompanies me, who takes care of me, who is watching me, who also loves you, and the role of the other person (ie the boyfriend) is passive, the information must be given a hundred percent by the mother, she should look for a time when the child is well, be calm ?